How Do You Deal With The Challenges Of Being Single In Today’s Overly Sexualized Culture
Here we have contributing writer Kristi Goines sharing her take on being celibate in an overly sexualized world.
A few years ago, I met a guy on my job. In one of our conversations, I told him that I was a virgin. He was so shocked, it literally took him a minute to process it. You would have thought I told him I just got out of prison!
Interestingly enough, many others had a similar response when I tell them that I am celibate. I have decided to wait until marriage to have sex. And I’m sure many of you who have chosen celibacy may have experienced the same thing! Many people are surprised, and I can understand why. Our society is consumed with sex. The commercials, magazines, TV shows talk about it all the time. Relationship experts are always giving advice on how sex can spice up your relationships. Singers suggest it in their songs (i.e. ‘Sexual Healing’) and women send a sexual message loud and clear with the provocative clothes they wear, leaving nothing to the man’s imagination. Since it appears that everyone is sexually active, many find it hard to believe that there are those who decided to abstain from sex until they marry.
However, I am going to keep it real with you. Although I am a Christian woman who is celibate, I’m still a woman with physical needs. There I said it! In my alone time, I find myself imagining what it would be like to be in my husband’s arms sharing moments of passion through physical intimacy. I run across articles on how married couples can spice up their sex lives and think “Why can’t that be me?” or “I have a few ideas of my own!” I’m not embarrassed, because I know God put these desires in me and in all of us. God created sex to be a wonderful experience to be enjoyed between a man and his wife. But as quiet as it may be kept, I sometimes wonder “When Lord when?” (laughing) Being celibate does not mean you deny those desires, it just means you allow God to help you keep them in control until the wedding night. It can be a challenge at times, as some singles will agree. But what encourages me to stay celibate is the consequences of not waiting. I’ve seen and heard from my peers how sex can make some relationships complicated, and cause unnecessary drama. Here’s what I’ve learned about celibacy:
Celibacy gives you time to know the other person’s intentions. As my Sunday School teacher once said, the purpose of dating is to find out what he’s after. Does this man genuinely want to get to know me? Or is he looking to have someone just for the night? I’ve had instances where guys I just met wanted to come to my home. I explained to one guy why I was not ready to do that, and he got upset and defensive. That was an immediate red flag for me. Needless to say, I let him go quick! Anyone can put on a good act within the first few months of meeting them. Kenny Pugh, author of series “Celibacy is Sexy,” says celibacy gives you time to evaluate the status of your relationship clearly, whereas pre-marital sex can ‘cloud’ your perspective on the relationship. The relationship could be going well, but after you have sex, the relationship mysteriously goes down hill and you wonder why it “didn’t work out.”
Celibacy eliminates the emotional drama! It would take a while for me to get over a guy that I had sex with, especially if I have developed strong feelings for him! It’s enough to meet a guy you like, go out with him a few times, and suddenly not hear from him again. But I imagine it can be much harder dealing with him not calling after having sex with him. You have to deal with the pain that comes from feeling used, knowing that he only wanted sex. Men and women deal with this. However, I believe it takes more time for women to move on because we are emotional beings.
Celibacy narrows the focus on you and your value as a person. When you know who you are and what you have to offer, you will want to connect with people who can appreciate that as well. Too many singles are giving a piece of themselves away sexually and getting nothing in return. You’re looking to be with someone long term, not just to ‘hook up’ with for one night.
Celibacy opens the door to receive God’s best choice for a mate. As a Christian, I’ve decided to follow God’s will and share those special moments of intimacy with my husband. In an article from Essence, “What You Said: 16 Women on Why They’re Saying No to Sex” (www.essence.com), a majority of the women stated their relationship with God as a primary reason to abstain. Amy, one of the ladies in the article, said “I’m celibate because I’m rebuilding my relationship with God, and I was tired of men taking advantage of a gift intended for my husband. Too many people are being careless in their sexual lives. I love myself and want to live worry free.”
We live in a microwave type society, where we want our desires fulfilled now. We want our physical needs met instantly without thinking about the consequences. I truly thank God for keeping and protecting me in my 36 years of celibacy. I’m not heading to the convent, but God has reminded me of my significance in Him and that I am worth waiting for His best. To all my single sisters and brothers, you are worth waiting for too! Do not let the devil trick you to believe otherwise. Nobody wants to be treated as a ‘trial membership,’ where the other person experiments with you for 30 days and asks for a refund if they are not satisfied. You deserve someone who is will sign a lifelong commitment through marriage and be with you no matter what!
